Sunday, August 29, 2010

contest entries

Jan. 16, 2011

1. Write a story in 100 words or fewer
2. Use the following words in the story


Auntie was killed with one swift blow to the head. The weapon was green jasper, a jasper that looked a bit like the color of mildew.

It was quite the scandal back then. At 4 PM, poor dear Auntie had left the drawing room with her usual flair to take her daily “snooze." And on that day so long ago, she never saw the enemy coming.

She was killed by her lover, Jasper, during a heady sex session, and the shame of it was she actually never did see him coming.

Tell me a story in 100 words or fewer. Use the following words in the story:


On the balcony above, he played Ravel's Sonatine on his viola and I stood on the patio below in a pink lace negligee smoking a cigarette.

He had entered my bedroom earlier... and he had left a note on a pink lace doily beside a pink picture frame. But, it was over and I was not to be seduced by music or song.

When I looked up... he jumped.

He jumped, and somehow managed to die by falling on his own sword. I collapsed over his body and cried, "Jimmy, you silly fool."

I held onto the pink tightly.


It was murky in the cabin as the minion prepared the table. She was setting out bakewell tarts, tarte tatins, faworkis, and a sinister looking ghorabiye. The heinous Backfire, had agreed to a sit down with her nemesis, Wisteria.

Backfire's fading fragrant French cologne- earlier a sweet elixir- melted under dim lights at the very moment the tattooed Wisteria held a lit match to her cigarette and started a small fire.

I put on my gable hood headgear because my head was about to explode, and I noticed my cup of chamomile was now strangely cold.


2035: On every corner of Fairbank there is a version of the old Antiques Roadshow.

People stake out for hours. I had brought the old honeywagon, left to me in my great aunt's will.

The appraiser lifted his ax and hit the floor with one swing. We peeked into the secret chamber. It was full of papers! They said, “queries for SlushPile Hell.” The E-mail address, to whom those pivotal queries had been sent, was clear with no flaws.

The old honeywagon might not be worth shit, but the identity of the now urban legend was about to be revealed.

The contest: in 115 words or less, tell a story starting with: "A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar..."

A monster-slaying governess, a vampire librarian, and a professorial zombie walk into a bar...
And say to the barkeep, "Some libations, sir, for we have come very far."

"We come from a town, Podzeker, for the purpose of finding a child and freeing her."

"A child prodigy carrying books went missing one cold and dark day, is there anything you might have to say?”

The barkeep, named Krun, pulled out his silver gun,

and slayed all three with one shot.
Then, behind the curtain he checked on a little one, laughing and eating red velvet cupcakes on a polka dot cot.

"Thank you," she said in a grateful way.
"My hero, you saved the day."


Rex Reed loved a good Kevin Bacon film. He had gone to see "The River Wild," and when he returned home and put on the news he was shocked to see that O.J. Simpson had offered little resistance when he was arrested for murder.

Rex was exhausted. He decided on some light tv. He switched to "The Ren & Stimpy Show" and called his annoying sycophantic assistant, Fenske.

"Schmuck? Do you have Court TV? Get ready. This is going to be huge."

double agent

All the Real Housewives of New Jersey sat in Panera drinking coffee. The door burst open and in walked RaggedyAnn.

"Hello, you has beens," she smirked. "You are all so yesterday. Looks like your TV agent was a double agent. In September, Barbie and Ginny and Cabbage Patch Biker Chick and I will be starring in The Real Housewives of Toyland."

"Lanie will make a guest appearance and Rebecca will do a cameo if she can manage to time travel. You think you got razzmatazz? Wait until you see Cabbage Patch Causcasian boy zumba. Bite me, bitches!"


I took a short shuffle to the window. There was Vanessa, the dangerous yenta. It was my wedding day, and even today I was sweating and scared. The music began to play and I went downstairs and entered the lair.

On daddy's arm I had entered the chuppah. The rabbi whispered, "Till death us do part." I waited for Jake's foot to lift and smash the glass and I expected to hear, “Mazel tov.”

"Stop! She's a kurvah, a tramp." I swung around. Vanessa’s face was purple with rage. My day was ruined. My fail? Epic.


November 2005, Doing Lunch

Keith Kahla, editor to the stars, was going downtown to meet Perez Hilton, pest to the stars.

Bruce Willis and Josh Hartnett were filming a scene for "Lucky Number Slevin" and Park Avenue was a huge parking lot. Keith told the cab driver to take Broadway. The driver took a fast right off Park and Keith realized they were lucky they didn't crash.

Perez was waiting at the table. Keith sat down and when the waiter arrived Keith said, "I will have the strangozzi sage pasta. And easy on the oregano." Then, he began his spin.

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