I Called Him Handsome

This blog entry will be done in stages. I just don't think I can sit here long enough to post the whole story in one sitting. I am experiencing a mixed bag of emotions... and clarity can sometimes come through a lens that takes a while to adjust.

This post will be about a series of recent interactions I had with a man on facebook. His identity is unimportant and I will protect his privacy. I will share that he is a well known film director. The screen shots I post will be exactly as they were sent. The only omission will be his name and other phrases that might point the way to who he is. So this will be what is called a "blind item." 

Why am I doing it? Because men of a certain ilk move through life with a complete disregard for the women they belittle, insult, denigrate and hurt. I experienced it for the first time in 1965... and the grown up version of that guy is always around to surface and to hurt a woman and make her feel bad about herself.

So I begin: I received a friend request from a man who belonged to one of my facebook groups. We had a few "mutual friends." I accepted the request. We began to interact in text messages.

He was nice and friendly and we talked about our memories of growing up and I allowed myself to go to that "romantic" place of junior high school fantasy. I was becoming seduced by the possibility of making a new and exciting friend that impressed me and who I believed was single. He made one sexual innuendo after I asked him if I could ask a personal question. Before I could even ask the question, he replied, "seven inches." My question was: "Are you a night owl?" Eh, not so terrible. 

I replied, "nice" and he answered: 

And when I offered to send him a recent photo, this was the exchange: 

Am I imagining or drawing some wrong conclusion that his remarks were peppered with comments that made it appear that he was single? 

Then he asked me to do him a favor, which made no sense because if he could come to the city to pick up the photos from me why couldn't he pick them up in the city from the guy who had them? It seemed to me that he wanted me to pick up the photos as a reason to meet me. 

At the time he asked, I had not assigned mental closure to the request. I now realize he selfishly wanted an "errand girl" and if if some dessert came along with it, that would be his sundae with a cherry on top. 

And then when I said that before meeting him I wanted to get to know him a little first by having a few more exchanges on facebook and sort of build a personal foundation so when we met we were not total strangers, he sent this reply: 

Does his comment sort of validate that he appears to be single and wants to make a connection with me? 

At some point, I called him "handsome." Is that incriminating? I was later made to feel that I went down a path that was one-sided... but his previous comments validate that the tone of the exchanges was mutual. 

But something was not right.... so I did a "Columbo." I searched through names at facebook. And lo and behold... just like Nev and Max, I located some relevant pages and looked through the content and photos. He has two grown children and several grand children. He seemed to be married, and there were many pictures of him and his wife all over his friends' and children's pages. I mentally gave him the benefit of the doubt and went to that dark place and thought she could be deceased... but as of October she seemed to be actively posting to her page. 

Oh, the pain of having that bubble burst when the evidence showed that he was a married man!

When I "called him out" on the possibility that he was married, it turned very ugly. 

What's the "turn off" exactly? "That was it?"... it was a mere discussion of nostalgia and growing up? I think not. If the interactions were that superficial, it seems weird and brazen that he would ask me to do him that huge favor and pick up the photos. He was a mass of contradictions. Yes, no more with him because he was busted!

And... he never answered the question if he was married. I continued in a humorous way and also bragged that I was smart because of my discovery....  He replied and unfriended me. 

Yes, I discovered that he is married and he rudely and almost cruelly included in that harsh message that he is "not turned on by me." Ouch! Well, nothing happened so his integrity and honor remain totally intact. I will have to own that at my age I do not have a physical appearance capable of arousing a 71 year old's man's member! Should I be crushed and agonize over that insulting remark? 

I am ruminating over his comment that he was not "turned on by me." Why would I even have to "turn him on" if his intentions were not of a sexual nature? Doesn't that statement sort of validate his mindset or was he attempting to make me think that we were never on the same page? Or was he triggered to send that response because I asked if he was married and he went into protective defensive mode? And why could he not answer the question: "Are you married?" Am I overthinking within some bizarre rabbit hole? I concluded his comment was a form of a CYA.... and a way of psychologically confirming inside his own head that he had nothing but fine intentions and it was I who misconstrued our interactions. However, I believe his previous "suggestive" comments indicate he was not interested in anything platonic, but his motives in engaging me have to remain shrouded in mystery. 

So why am I writing about this short brief episode in my life? I am doing it certainly not to hurt him or I would have named him and revealed his identity. I am the one in those facebook exchanges who was denigrated. Here I am, a 71 year old senior citizen... and I am told by an almost complete stranger that I do not "turn him on." That comment within a sexual context was so inappropriate, almost so cruel.... that I realized in that moment that he could have been one of the teens who sat at my New Year's Eve table at the Concord Hotel so long ago back in 1965: a night remembered 

Those guys bulldoze through life following the direction of their penis and see women as objects who exist to satisfy their needs. In the scheme of things and within a level headed barometer of awareness, I was not damaged that badly. I was not upset by what he said about me because I have excellent self-esteem. I was angry at the gall that he thought he could go there. Why couldn't he just admit he was married and then say we seem to have had a misunderstanding? Many women suffer real emotional pain in tangible relationships. However, "shaming" can come even in small scale ways. 

I never was a married woman who was having coffee in one room while my husband was "dicking" around on a computer seducing the gullible for a "whatever" agenda. But my brief tale is a cautionary one. Be careful out there. The devil is in the details.