Wednesday, February 4, 2009

vous farshtunken?

I did a comedy show last night and I killed! I totally killed. My first joke landed hard and I knocked it out of the park. The audience was laughing so wildly I had to stand on the stage like an uber-schmuck waiting for the noise to settle down. I went into my second bit and again the response was incredible. Not only were they laughing, but they were applauding. (They clap when I say I am a retired teacher) Go figure!

I went up with my pocketbook. I like to keep it within my visual range. I once returned to my seat in a club and my keys were missing from my purse and after I left the club I had to have the locks changed to my apartment at 1 AM.

Anyway, back to my killer set. BRB, water is boiling for some instant oatmeal. Back. Yum! Apples and cinnamon, with extra cinnamon drizzled on to cut the glucose levels in the blood. They say it works. Go know!

So, I did my bit about the fire drills. It went over like mad ass crazy shit. Then I spoke about my work as a volunteer and the material was strong and solid. Then I segued into my bit about how crazy I am. I referenced Edie Beale and "Grey Gardens." OMG, they love that shtik. Mention you are crazy and it is like a universal anathema. The young people, the old people, the drunks were all hysterical. I was on a roll. I was on a high. I was working that room like Bruce St****g worked his left eye in the 6th grade when he cheated off my paper during a history test.

Some gay guys were calling me "Grandma dearest." They said: "You rock Grandma dearest." I didn't get it, but it was all good. There were some old women from Merrick, Long Island who were there as part of some "bringer." For them, I told some Henny Youngman jokes! I knew one day those jokes would come in handy. I said: "For you yachners, here's some Henny Youngman jokes."

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. I was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. I got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."

I was at the top of my game. I owned the room! I did my bit about being the "Disco Sally" of the comedy clubs and one woman was laughing so much she choked on a pretzel. I told her to be careful because I do not know the Heimlich maneuver. I was on cloud nine over there. They held the light, but finally I got the light. I asked for the booster step so I could exit the stage and I got a damn foot cramp. I carry "Icy Hot" in my pocketbook at all times and I was in pain. So, I sat down on that stool they keep on the stage and removed my shoe and sock to apply the cream for some relief. One idiot from the side yelled: "What stinks?" I said: "Your breath." Then a fiasco erupted. Don't ask!

I was escorted off the stage and what was my best set ever turned into such a downer. I went from the high of my life to a real low. I limped the hell out of there.

The truth is, I don't even care. It's not like they were paying me. Fuck it! I took a cab home. And during the cab ride home I was so depressed I began to disassociate. I wondered: "Did this really happen?


Anonymous said...

this stuff is inspired and I mean that sincerely. more of this please

Marjorie said...

Inspired by what? More of what? Why do you make a comment as "anonymous?" Why do you have a need to wear a mask? I ask that sincerely.
Comments have more credibility when a name is attached.

Marjorie said...

"I mean that sincerely"
That phrase could only be used by a goat-getter. Why would I think he doesn't mean it sincerely? If I visited a blog and liked the content, I would say, "This is great." The end. Why would I add that disclaimer thinking it might not be thought of sincerely? The commenter knows his intent and is trying to counteract what he expects to be the reaction. He wants me to respond and be flattered, and that is how he would get his inside laugh.
But the phrase is a dead giveaway. I smell a prankster.